Homesteading Dreams - Getting your O/H on Board?

[homesteadfox]

Hello all! 
This is my first post here, although I've been lurking for quite some time now. To begin, I currently have a 6 month Jersey x Brown Swiss heifer that I purchased as a 2 month old calf, so far things are going well, and she's got what seems to be a great start at becoming my family milk cow. This will be my very first time with a dairy cow as well as my first bovine of any sort as an adult, although I've had beef cattle growing up. I've purchased the KFC Book and have (and continue to) research everything I can, as well as beginning to purchase everything I"ll need to milk. I've fallen head over heels with the idea of having my own dairy, and its just seems to be the next step towards self-sufficiency that I need to make. 
My goals for my homestead are to be able to drop my work hours (I'm a hair-stylist) to two days per week, and support the rest of my bills from my homestead through a CSA type share. Dairy would be a highly valued part of the shares, and I use a lot on my own for cooking as well as just drinking. 
So, on to the issue at hand. My O/H, whom was raised in the city and has currently lived with me on my little homestead for a year and a half so far, is not taking well to the idea of our own dairy. He doesn't think that it is safe and hasn't budged on the idea. He has so far been okay with raising our own meat, and has helped butcher rabbits, and is okay but skeptical about fresh eggs. 
Mind you, he does not do any of the animal/farm chores unless I ask him to due to being sick. Which is totally fine! This is my thing and I was doing it long before he came along. The property is mine and I pay for all of the animal costs, he doesn't care that I want to do it but if he refuses to drink it I feel like I will be failing and my hard work will be for nothing! 
He does not eat vegetables or fruits much at all, so doesn't partake in gardening help but will eat potatoes. Right now it is just the two of us (I'm 21 he's 22), but in the future we want to have 1-2 children and a huge part of that working is me being able to feed/support us food wise so that I can stay home with them. He works very hard at his job and is great, very helpful with his share of things. So its not that, he just isn't into the whole lifestyle period. He would rather buy convenience foods and never have to worry about anything like that. Does anybody else struggle getting their families on board? I'm not sure how else to convince him. His parents are the type that won't eat meat unless its from the store.

[karenp]

Have you checked into the regulations regarding selling milk the cost of insurance and such. I would start with a cow for my own use and get him hooked from there.

[homesteadfox]

I am just starting with one cow, for us. But my eventual goals will be to have 2-3 cows in milk. Even if I just have the one cow, I don't have any idea as to get him to even try her milk! I will only be marketing to close neighbors and immediate family. I don't believe there are any regulations here for selling farm-shares. It is not regulated.

[Libelle]

Could you convince him to try the milk if you pasteurized it yourself? That is entirely doable. You can also offer to have the milk tested for everything under the sun, and continue to do so on a regular schedule. Maybe he will then see the logic that your home-produced, ultra-fresh milk can be safer than store milk, which has been through a lot of bulk tanks, shipping, bottling, handling (and time) before it reaches the consumer.

[homesteadfox]

That is a good idea! Having everything tested. I also told him I'd consume it for a full month before he had to try it.
I could pasteurize it, just hate to ruin it!

[rosalind]

You're doing the right thing by starting with one cow. Take your time and get her calved in and see if YOU really like milking a cow. You will probably find that you are wild over the wonderfulness of fresh milk, and maybe the family will come along and love it too. I have a few family members that - even with yummy Jersey milk - won't drink milk, they don't like fresh milk. But, they like to cook with milk (think cream pies!), or have hot chocolate or make Mozzarella or eat tons of butter. Don't over-worry the current situation - your calf is 6 months old? Then you've got a LOT of time to change someone's mind - or come to an agreeable compromise!

I will tell you a short story of a friend of mine - married a computer guy, had to move to a state where raw milk is illegal, so she up and decides to buy her own cow!! At first, he wanted nothing to do with the farm and cows - now he's "Chief Pig Feeder" and loves the farm life!

Also, if you want to tell us what state you are in, people can probably chime in on the rules for your state - I'm pretty sure raw milk is regulated in every state - just some states much more loosely than others.

[mommachick]

Do your thing and decide if you can live with him never being supportive. Can you live with him telling your kids not to eat those eggs, not to touch that dirty fence? Even if he lets the kids farm with you, they will notice that he doesn't eat from the garden and will wonder why Daddy gets Twinkies and Coke and they drink milk and apples.
I wouldn't rush into things, but I would follow your dream.
I'm sure he has many admirable qualities, I'm sure he works very hard and you are in a happy relationship, but you are talking about a lifestyle not just a job. I would want a parnter in life. Take your time decideing if he is the future father of your children. Raising kids is hard enough without disagreeing on such important iissues.

You could try meeting couples who share your goals so he sees, for lack of a better phrase, how cool farming is. Maybe seeing other men will encourage him.

(for reference im 34 with 4 kids. Once my kids saw that daddy didnt eat veggies, they jumped on the twinkie train. He is a partner in our farming lifestyle though and is thankful I am a horrible gardner)

[Kelsey]

Nothing wrong with pasteurizing the milk at first! In fact, that's a really smart thing to do, until you know she's healthy, figured out how to milk her without getting hair in the bucket, figured out your sanitation technique, etc...

Pasteurize at 145 degrees for 30 minutes - you'll hardly be able to tell it's not raw. Higher temps will change the flavor, however.

If you're OK doing all the care, feeding, and milking, I think you would be fine getting a cow and then slowly easing him into the idea that cows are wonderful.

If you are alright with sharing your state, I could tell you what the regs are for dairy.

Welcome!

[terizjean]

I feel your pain. I'm so glad every day that DH eats and drinks everything. I see plenty of couples where it's not that way and it's such a
big part of my life, it might be a deal breaker. That said, you could start doing "farm tours" and have him be the "tour guide" and after
awhile I can almost guarantee you he'll start getting into it. When he sees how cool everyone else thinks it is that you milk a cow, raise
a lot of your own meat and eggs (people especially LOVE chickens) make your own cheese, (blah, blah, blah,) he'll start identifying with and
owning the lifestyle.

We have a farm stay now and our a website and whenever people stay at the adjacent "farm house" DH gives them an hour tour. He lets them
catch a lamb, kiss a pig, and gather eggs in addition to showing them where we milk. People get SO excited about this, and now DH won't
give that job up. He gets a lot of strokes that way. I bet your O/H will jump right on board.

[Debbie Lincoln]

mommachick speaks words of wisdom. Until you are partners in your (BOTH of yours) dreams, don't partner up with kids. And don't get angry if he just cannot come over to your side. He may not be made that way...

BUT in the meantime, don't compromise YOUR dream...(not everyone loves cows)

[christybell]

My DH had to slowly get used to the idea of raw dairy. The big difference is that he was interested from the start. He wanted to raise our own meat and supported DD in getting chickens for eggs even though he hates chickens. When DD wanted dairy goats he was on board with that but it took time to win over to milk. It was the cheese that got him! He built me a head gate and swing bar to use as a stanchion and is supportive of training one of our heifer to milk. A big part of convincing him was the health benefits and the money we spend on dairy.

In the end it's still not his dream but it's ok because he supports me and he knows it's my dream. He doesn't do any livestock chores unless DD and I are both unavailable but he did learn to milk just in case! I don't know that I could, or would be able, to have a hobby farm life without his support.

It's also a good point about the kids. If dad refuses to eat it they'll refuse too.

[treatlisa]

I would like to think he would come around/get used to the idea eventually. I would be careful not to fight about it or make a big deal about it so he doesn't get resentful. Just do your thing and enjoy what you like.

Home made ice cream can make a great case for having a dairy cow...

[homesteadfox]

Thanks everybody! I'm in Indiana. I know raw milk sales are illegal, but I was under the impression that herd shares are kind of the loop-hole. Even if I never sell any I want it for my own dairy. I am trying my best not to push it, but he's bad about telling me he's for things and then backs out later on when he realizes I'm serious about them. He knows I don't go through him to make any of my animal choices, because he doesn't care enough to weigh in on it.
The only thing he's partial to is the house-cat that drives me up a wall. Lol.

I have definitely put thought into the kids thing. We don't have the same values on a lot of things, but I've tried to make my goals with that very clear. Its not a near-future goal, as I am trying to build a house in the next 3-4 years and want to get a decent chunk put back for emergency fund. So I'm hoping that will give me plenty of time to convert him. I'm young, will only be 21 next month, and we are not in a hurry for children. But I'd like them by the time I'm 30.

Like you said, as wonderful as he is, and as much as I hope that things will work out, he is very different from me! I know by the time children come around we will hopefully have figured everything out.

[elnini]

For me there are enough people saying "You can get that in the shops you know" without my partner saying it too.

If he's got your back in public, is proud of your efforts to other people and expresses his reservations in private, I could live with that.

If he sides with the nay-sayers against you, is dismissive of what you do or mocks it to others, rethink a permanent lifestyle with him for more reasons than the raw milk.

There will be cold, wet heartbreaking nights where you lose a life you cherish that will make you question everything about your chosen life. A partner that cares that you care and can hold you while you cry even if he doesn't get everything about it is important. One that shrugs and says "what's the big deal, we can get milk from the shop" when you've lost your heart-cow is worse than being alone.

City boys can make great farmers but they have to be open to embracing the dirt.

[brigitte]

Optimism is a common theme around here- necessarily so. Farming is a very tough lot at times. There are moments of joy few who don't pursue them can fathom.
Plenty of city folks have turned out to be great farmers and never look back on their choices.
But...I'm concerned about this...

"We don't have the same values on a lot of things, but I've tried to make my goals with that very clear. Its not a near-future goal, as I am trying to build a house in the next 3-4 years and want to get a decent chunk put back for emergency fund. So I'm hoping that will give me plenty of time to convert him."

You will not be able to work with a partner who doesn't at least support your goals and ambitions, otherwise you risk resentments during the rough spots. It is perhaps your most important asset to have a successful partnership at home in a farming venture. "Hope" for a conversion is a little dicey.

Step forward slowly and carefully. A dairy of several animals is expensive to maintain and requires much time and investment if the infrastructure isn't there.
Indiana is one of the more restrictive states for raw milk. Sales are specifically banned, though (like Massachusetts and many other states) there are no laws (yet) specifically
allowing or banning herdshares. There was a bill there that didn't pass in 2013. It will come up again, and one by one lawmakers are bending toward herdshares . We gain
a couple of more states every year. You would have to make a careful choice about whether to create a herdshare, define your market, and risk argument with the Dept of Ag, and also the possibility of getting involved in legislative efforts to help the cause. Indiana DOES have many herdshares in existence which haven't fallen under attack so it can happen.
With 2-3 cows, you'd definately need an off farm income or savings to help the cause.

That all said...anything is possible with passion. It's that drive that tugs at you wherever you are and prompts the risks that make success possible. Your heifer is a great start- with time to grow together. It's the best way to do it.
I for one am rooting for you

[Deleted]

Jump into the dairy life for a year or two. You will learn a lot and can then decide who or what should stay in your life. I agree with the others above, though. A united front in front of kids (and neighbors) is very important!

[wistfuldream]

Another long time lurker chiming in! *waves* (It's so nice to know I'm not the only one, lol...)

Concerning your partner... give it time. My DH wasn't raised in the city (far from it in fact, he grew up in a small town in the Yukon where off grid living and various types of foraging/growing/hunting for part of your food was simply part of life) but he, personally, would be content with a suburban lifestyle. Actually, I'm not even sure that's true anymore but...
... I've had almost ten years now to expose him (rather continually) to my ideas and plans. A lot of the specifics have come and gone but the general goal of a few acres, a garden, orchard, chickens, milk cows + calves, and pigs have never really changed. In the beginning he was open to it and supportive because it was my dream and something that was important to me but as life went on the "homesteading lifestyle" began to sound more and more appealing. At one point when we were both in school and had just had our first child things like eggs and carrots had to be carefully rationed to last [x] amount of time... I distinctly recall standing in our tiny apartment hearing him mutter about how he this wouldn't be a problem when we had a big flock of chickens or had the space for a real garden. I definitely think that going through a period where budget/food supplies were so, so tight (never bare cupboards or going hungry, thank goodness, but it was definitely something we were ALWAYS aware of) that gave him a huge appreciation for the built in food supply that is garden, chickens, cow etc...

For him the big turning point that made him go from "this is something you want and I love you so I'll support you and help you get it" to "this is a goal that I definitely want to work towards to and is something I definitely think should be part of our life" was when our oldest got really, really sick as a toddler. Colds, the stomach flu, an ear infection - nothing big all on its own but he got them all at once and wasn't getting better. He was almost two years old and weighed less than 20 pounds. He wouldn't eat because he was tired of throwing up. We were down to our pediatrician saying, "if he's not doing better by morning than he'll have to be hospitalized" - which would have been very, very traumatic for this child. And then a friend of mine dropped by with a few things. They were headed out of town for a month and didn't want what was left in their fridge to go to waste... and in the box of things they gave us was a half gallon of raw goats milk.

Which my oldest drank. And kept down. And when it was gone begged for more "ice cream milk". And since he finally looked alive and not like some pale, pathetic ghost whimpering on the couch... we hunted down a local source and coughed up the $8/half gallon. When he got up off the couch and for the first time in over a week show interest in his toys, DH turned to me and went, "About that cow...? I think we should have two."

So, point of the story: patience and optimism. Also, I've found it very important to reconcile my dreams with something a little closer to reality. As much as I'd love to have us working side by side etc etc that's not going to happen. The farming stuff will, always and forever, be much more my thing than DH's. He doesn't want to come home from work and go straight to barn chores - BUT he's more than willing to come home from work and watch/entertain the little kids, pull dinner from the oven, and make sure the house gets a quick pick up while I'm out doing milking or whatever. He's happy to help out with animal care when I'm sick but that's definitely more my thing than his - he's much happier in a support/provide role, in doing the behind the scenes things that gives me time to play in the dirt or run out and check on that new calf or...whatever. In return, I'm willing to give up parts of my dreams to make sure that he has the things important to him - a nicer house that's big enough to serve as a family gathering place, a good yard, room for a pool, outdoor kitchen, and eventual 1 bedroom guest (or aging parent) house, staying within a certain commute radius and a good internet connection - all of which are things that I want/support but that in the end (save for the guest house) are more "his" thing than mine.

[brigitte]

This is great ^^^^ Can I say this also....With (true) love anything is possible!

[rosalind]

Feb 9, 2017 6:18:03 GMT -5 homesteadfox said:

he's bad about telling me he's for things and then backs out later on when he realizes I'm serious about them. He knows I don't go through him to make any of my animal choices, because he doesn't care enough to weigh in on it.

...

So I'm hoping that will give me plenty of time to convert him.

...

he is very different from me!

Are you married already? These sound like some issues that a counselor should be involved with.

Two of my family members went through counselling with their husbands - we were just talking about it through the holidays - and they said it saved their marriage. I know you asked us about cows, but in reading your posts, I think you've got a bigger egg to crack - marriage balance in general. You may find if you're able to talk through some issues, your communication will open up and discussion about something like a cow could become a joint choice rather than "I'll do it myself."

[Deleted]

So true about true love brigitte ! My husband likes to joke that he married a ballerina and now has a pig farmer for a wife! So go for it homesteadfox !